Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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