why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
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My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
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My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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