Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
