Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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