I heard we made out
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
