My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
