Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
