it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
