Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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