i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
