all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Also, beer. Big fan.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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