it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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