Taylor Swift is so right about you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
