My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
