Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
