There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
