i need an iv and a liver transplant
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
