I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
