You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
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Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
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I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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