Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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