why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
