I think my vagina is haunted
i love accidental penises.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
