Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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