i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm sobbing to NWA
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
