Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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