i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
birth control should be required to get into college
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
