I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
