You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
