Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
