I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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