It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
