Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
