I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
