she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
