HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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