Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
