There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
