I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize