Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
