I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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