Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
