this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
