So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
