By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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