a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
