If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
