Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
