I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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