I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
