nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
