Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
