Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
