you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Oh god it's open bar.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize