I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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