I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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