Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
