life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
