just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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